TRANSPORT TYCOON SEMI-FAQ
A FAQ for those who need more, more, more information and strategies about Transport Tycoon.

Part 17: Humor

1. You Might Be a TT Addict If...
2. Unofficial TT Dictionary
3. Excerpts from the Tycoon Times
4. Microsoft Transport

You Might Be a TT Addict If...

1. You're on a first name basis with Chris Sawyer
2. You stop playing, look out the window, and say, "It's morning already?"
3. Your TT CD-ROM is wore out
4. Your CD-ROM drive overheated
5. You've put the command `TT` in your `autoexec.bat` so TT will start automatically when you boot your machine
6. You uninstalled Windows and several other programs to make room on your hard drive for your many TT saved games
7. When you receive your paycheck, you see a little green message, "Income: $1,575"
8. Everytime you buy something, you see a red message, "Cost: $100"
9. You bought a VGA-to-TV card for the sole purpose of playing TT on a 72-inch television.
10. You humm that TT background music over and over and over and over...
11. You see little diagonal grids all over the place
12. You've memorized the specs on all the vehicles, even the ones in the "Toyland" climate
13. You only play the "Toyland" climate
14. You start to twitch if you aren't near a computer
15. You play TT to wake up in the morning, instead of drinking coffee
16. You hooked up your new 128-bit sound card to your new speakers the size of your room for the sole purpose of listening to the TT soundtrack
17. While in Windows, you try to hit the `DEL` key to remove all the windows from the screen
18. If someone asks which song track number 10 is, you immediately answer, "Aliens Ate My Railway"
19. You have everything in this FAQ memorized
20. You can recite the URLs of all TT-related pages on the Internet
21. You've posted over 1000 messages to comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.strategic, all of which were about TT
22. You designed your new house to look like one the houses in TT
23. By the game date 2050 you have accumulated over 100 billion dollars, all without cheating
24. Every day, you visit all TT pages on the Internet hoping that they have been updated
25. You try every possible keystroke combination hoping to stumble on a cheat or debug code
26. You spend over 48 hours designing a scenario
27. 90% of your hard drive is occupied by TT saved games
28. You built a special holder just for your TTD CD-ROM
29. You spend hours coming up with signs that you might be a TT addict
30. You start a "Transport Tycoon Support Group", complete with its own 12 Step Program and meeting hall
31. You get a job with a railroad company, and then claim that you are playing TT for "work-related reasons"
32. You take a trip to England just to see the town of Chipping Sodbury where Microprose's UK office is.
33. You've hacked into the TTDLX.EXE file so that when you open the About dialog box, it says "Chris Sawyer For US President in 2000!"
34. You email support@microprose.com every hour demanding that they release a TT sequel
35. When you heard about the Concorde crash in Paris, you said, "Concorde? Don't they mean Yate Haugan?"

    The following were submitted by satya.

36. You dream about the game.
37. You wrote a FAQ for the game, and no one found any errors... not even Chris Sawyer!
38. You call Chris Sawyer "The Man"
39. You compare your local neighborhood architecture with that in the game.
40. You've played all the scenarios in all the climates.

    The following were sent in by Righarts.

41. You go to buy another game and you see a little red box saying "Cannot acquire game... area is owned by another company"
42. You have downloaded EVERY TTD game and scenario available on the web
43. You have memorized the population of every different type of house for all the climates
44. (For windows users) You press delete to try and close the TTD game directory

    The following were submitted by Patrick Wong.

45. You dyed your hair grey, shaved the center of your head, grew a mustache that you died grey, and put on a pair of dark sunglasses with a badass frown to go with it. Not to mention your blackish-grey suit with a red tie.
46. When you heard Apache helicopters were being sent to Kosovo, you thought, "Is that a variation of the Guru X2 or what?"
47. You get in heated arguments about whether it's called the Yate or the Concorde.
48. After eating dinner, you say aloud, "So how many months has it been?"
49. When investing in the stock market, you bought 75% of an entire company.
50. You try to blow up your enemy's car by sticking a rail track into the side of the road and ordering a train.
51. When you saw what the old California gold mines looked like from above, your reality was shaken.
52. You are amazed by the number of parking spaces at the company's HQ.
53. When you science teacher was showing a video of a maglev train, you shouted, "They're wrong! They're ALL wrong! That's not what a maglev train looks like!"
54. While reading through this list, you were offended.

    The following were sent in by Fernando H. Canto.

55. You always sign your name as 'Boss'.
56. You search desperately for TTD MP3 files on the Internet.
57. Your musical band only plays TTD songs, including the country's #1 hit, "Hard Drivin'".
58. You are called "Sawyer's Pet".
59. You try to install a new game on your hard drive, but a window appears, saying: "Cannot install here. HD area owned by Transport Tycoon", complete with Chris Sawyer's face on the left.
60. You call your girlfriend or wife (or boyfriend or husband) your "sweet superproductive coal mine".
61. You made parodies from famous songs talking about well-placed train depots and road reconstructions.
62. Your TTD band made a show to 20,000 people, with Carlos Santana as a special guest playing guitar in 'Aliens Ate My Railway'.

    Owen Rudge sent these in:

63. You've created a CD with all the TT theme music
64. You play the CD every night on auto repeat when you read the TT manuals again and again, after which, you read printouts of every TT website on the Web
65. You dream about your new, 400mph maglev trains
66. A nightmare to you is when your trains break down and you lose profit
67. You wake up and say, "I'll get some breakfast. How about coal on toast, with a glass of oil."
68. You buy a super-duper new 200 terabyte hard disk, and fill it with TT savegames and scenarios within an hour

Unofficial TT Dictionary

Wonder what some of that obscure TT jargon means? Now you can find out.

Note: Most of these entries are blantantly stolen from other sources. Ha!

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! - the sound a TT player makes after spending millions to build a train line to a distant factory which announces that it's going to shut down operations.

AI droppings - 1. What the AI sometimes builds near the beginning of its career -- a pair of one-way rail lines going nowhere (submitted by satya). 2. Roads to nowhere that the AI built and then later abandoned. These can be a real pain if they are in the way of your stations. The only way to remove them is to buy the rival company and then bulldoze them yourself.

Anthracite Attack - what happens when several hundred tons of coal is transported to your station when a Coal Mine increases its production.

Cash Cow - any profitable train line

Enemy - any and all AI-controlled rivals. Like most bad guys on TV, these enemies are particularly stupid.

Environmentally Unfriendly - what you are called after funding a tropical Lumber Mill and letting it chop down thousands of trees.

Finagle's First Law - If a train can get lost, it will.

Finagle's Second Law - If a train can break down, it will, and at the worst possible place.

Fund New Road Construction - A very tempting option to implement when a local authority rates you as Appalling. "Enjoy six months of misery, you ^!@*!@ bureaucrats!" Is the usual exclamation that goes along with this.

Handglider - what the Yate Haugan looks like when it's having a breakdown.

Hostile Takeover - When you buy 100% of the shares of a rival company, you immediately own them. We call this a hostile takeover, even though the game refers to it as a buy-out.

Maze - what the map looks like after the AI builds several rail and road lines all over the place. My dog could design more efficient transport services than the AI.

Mudslides - what happens around some towns when the AI levels a bunch of land to make room for a station

Murphy's Law of AI - When there are two ways for the AI to design a layout, it will always pick the worst one.

Pan-Am Profit - When you post a loss for the year. Like Pan-Am once said, they didn't have a loss, they just had a negative profit.

Pollution Producing Plane - the name given to any aircraft experiencing a breakdown

A Right Pain In The Neck - A coal mine that doubles it's production a few times so it spits out over 1,000 tons a month -- and then closes after you've spent nearly all your cash getting the train ready. (Submitted by Owen Rudge)

Rotten Bananas - what is aboard a fruit train if it takes several years to reach its destination

Sawyer's Law of Production - Invariably, after building a million dollar train network, the industry at one end will cut production. Corollary: Invariably, after building a profitable goods or food line, the receiving town's population will drop and will no longer accept goods or food. This law is named after you-know-who.

Spaghetti Junction - any train layout that is so complicated even the player who designed it can't figure it out

Steel Cage - a nickname for those ugly canterlever bridges

UFO - the many unexplained flying things that the demented Micrprose programmers incorporated into the game. This makes you wonder, "Was Chris Sawyer abducted by aliens earlier in his life?"

Very Upset Passengers - the temperament of passengers aboard planes that circle around an airport for months.

Excerpts from the Tycoon Times
The official newspaper of the Greningwell Ridge Local Authority

Road Construction Begins
By Jim McDougal, Staff Editor

Expect detours and delays for the next six months. A citywide road improvement project, funded by Monopoly Transport, Inc., will commence next week and last for half a year. The improvements include sewer work, resurfacing, widening, and sidewalk repair. The first streets affected will be Main St. and Pine Lane, which will be closed for the next three weeks. Traffic will be detoured onto High St. and Jackson Rd.

It seems interesting that the road construction is funded in part by Monopoly Transport, which recently replaced its bus services with an airport. The road construction will be a serious hamper to transport start-up Bait-n-Switch Transport Ltd., which just built several bus stations throughout the city. Tim Switch, CEO of Bait-n-Switch, said, "I think Monopoly Transport did this on purpose. The potholes in this fair city have been horrendous for decades. Why didn't they fund road construction earlier? Why did they wait until now when they don't need the roads for their busses? It all seems like an anti-competitive plan to hurt us, and to inflict six months of misery for local residents. Everybody will be so upset with the delays that they'll use Monopoly's train services. I really hate Monopoly Transport."

New Church Founded
By Ty Coon, Freelance Correspondent

Construction has begun at 152 N. Capitalism St. for a new church building. It should be completed about three months from now. The new church, founded by Father Dotter, will be named "First Sawyer Church of Greningwell Ridge." The church will be a meeting place for worshippers of the new "Sawyerism" religion.

Father Dotter said, "Sawyerism is a rapidly growing faith that transcends traditional ideas about God and Creation. Sawyerism teaches us that this Universe was created by an entity called 'Chris Sawyer'. The Sawyer is indeed powerful, but not omnipotent. His Creation is only so large -- it is bounded on four sides by The Edge, on the bottom by Sea Level, and on top by the Black Sky. Us mere mortals can't penetrate these boundaries. This Universe exists in what the Holy Readme File [the official Bible of Sawyerism] calls a 'computer simulation.' At Sawyer's side are several angels called 'The MicroProse,' which manifest themselves as flying disc-like objects. One 'MicroProse', named John Broomhall, is responsible for creating the sounds and music of this Universe. Sawyer teaches us that we should worship Capitalism and the hording of money -- 'strong wealth equates to strong morals' (Holy Readme 3:12 line 5) Well, I think that sums up the Sawyerism religion. If any Tycoon Times readers are interested, come to our organizational meeting at Local Authority Hall next Monday at 7:00pm."

Recent Disasters Cause Alarm
By Ulysees F. Orion, Staff Reporter

The recent series of disasters and unusual sights around Greningwell Ridge are alarming local residents. Some say this could be a sign from God denouncing the new "Sawyerism" religion. Others say the Universe is about to end. More rational residents are remaining calm, saying that these events are mere coincidence.

Here is a summary of recent events:

- Sunday - A signal malfunction caused two Monopoly Transport trains to collide on the Greningwell River suspension bridge. 22,000 liters of oil were spilled into the river.
- Monday - The Greningwell Ridge Coal Mine collapsed, leaving a trail of destruction three miles long following the main coal vein
- Tuesday - An unidentified disc-like object was sighted to the north of the city
- Tuesday evening - Monopoly Transport's train tracks north of the city suddenly blew up in a major explosion. Eye witnesses say they saw 'something odd' on the tracks right before the explosion.
- Wednesday - The Greningwell Ridge Factory blew up
- Thursday - The oil refinery near Hamwell-on-sea caught on fire and exploded. Investigators are still baffled.
- Friday - One of Bait-n-Switch Transport's new busses was destroyed by some kind of 'small saucer-shaped object' that swooped down and blew up the bus. All passengers were killed.
- Friday afternoon - A blimp was forced to make an emergency landing at the city airport. It missed the runway, crashing in a cloud of flames.

Monopoly Transport Completes Tunnel
By Adam Smith, Financial Correspondent

The Greningwell Mountain train tunnel officially opened yesterday in a ribbon-cutting ceremony. The new tunnel will speed up train service between Greningwell Ridge and Marston. Most of the tunnel was constructed by part time labor from Minim-wage Contractor Services of Greningwell Ridge.

The tunnel's completion was delayed by financial mistakes. A Mr. N. Gineer, the head of Minim-wage Contractor Services, miscalculated the cost of the tunnel's construction. His result turned out negative. It tooks several days for the contractor to uncover the mistake -- he had forgotten to "carry the one."

Microsoft Transport

This gem was sent in by Clint L.

I remember the good years, before Microsoft Transportation Co. The days when buses were safe from sabotage, when you didn't have to worry about being trapped on a road...

Microsoft Transportation Co. started out nice, with a good bus line in New Godingworth Falls, and a profitable train line transporting coal. Everyone loved Microsoft then... but then came the competitors.

Three months into the year of 1930, she came. Sporting a horrible haircut and ugly lips, G. McKinzie started Funingberg Transport Co. From that moment, I remember the bad times starting.

At first, it seemed like the events were just accidents... a train accidentally hitting a bus at a grade crossing, more efficient roads being built and then luring trucks off... then being deleted. It all seemed innocent at the time...

But then things got sinister. First it was the Microsoft train depot built at the back of Funingberg train station... now that I think about it, that was their most profitable train line... then a Chippie class train was told to ignore signals and...

-- KABOOM --

...Both trains were destroyed... then, there was the thing in the town council how if you build a grade crossing the square is yours... and of course, Microsoft used that to cut off Funingberg's bus station and depot from it's busses... it was things like this that got us suspicious... was Microsoft really out to bring us quality transportation service at a fair price?

Consider the following: when goods trucks were going from Shreffingville Factory to Crownning Springs, two grade crossings enabled Microsoft to trap all of them...then they built their own train station and goods train...and sold the goods at a high premium.

Then there was the thing with the road reconstruction... How the hapless bus was stuck for over two years as road construction was continually re-funded... strange. It is also strange how Microsoft transport went about deleting all the roads in a town and rebuilding them with their own money, thus gaining ownership of the road... later they used that trick to hold in numerous busses...

The evil Microsoft transport used devious means to make money... and make money they did. After all competitors had gone bankrupt, there was no competition stimulating the market... it was just Microsoft transport... it was either their busses, or walking... but come to think of it, they owned the sneakers, too...

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